Reconnect

As time passes and the wounds of leaving Japan scab over I find myself reconnecting with my family and most importantly my fiancee. Most people have made this transition easier, and a few have made it nearly unbearably difficult, but I'm thankful for both. The passive or active reinvention of oneself can be painful and rewarding, but what really makes it complete is seeing what sticks when transplanted back to an old place. The way I view myself, my family, my friends and the faceless crowd in the street have changed. The way I interact, or rather the way I want to interact with all of these people has changed as well. What I want to give and receive from these interactions has changed as well. The fallout from all this is still settling. But I left Japan with a goal to deal with things better, to try to be more thoughtful in my own words and decisions and to remain positive in all things. Some will think I've blown this goal, but I'm not answering to them. For me, I'm starting a new life, not continuing an old one.

Growing closer to my fiancee has led me to feel more in tune with the rhythm of this new life and is helping me to reintegrate with my family. I am thankful for everyone's patience as I mourn what feels like the loss of my friends in Japan, and for lifestyle I'd grown accustomed.

Back home

I'm finally back home and received a wonderful welcome from my family. Currently I am in the painful throes of 'reverse' culture shock. I want to leave and go back to Japan. I feel uncomfortable here, like I was made for Japanese culture and I had to wait this long to find out. I'm back to the slovenly American culture and I'm just uncomfortable. I know this is silly to my family and friends, they are quite ready for me to just accept things and settle down. It just isn't easy. My fiancee is hurt and confused by it. Seems like I've been hurting the people I love lately. I'm not sure if I'm being a selfish jerk or just trying to be honest, the former is more likely I reckon.

I'm not sure who I feel more like, the confused foreigner or the sacred alien thing. I miss my brother.

Like Death

Leaving Japan is extremely hard for me. Saying goodbye to the people I love, people I've only known for a year, but I grew closer to them than I care to admit. I find myself angry, sad, excited and numb. It seems like I'm moving between these emotions in short intervals. Standing in line at the Northwest Airlines counter, I felt my face get hot as the blood rushed around in anger. The people in line, the americans, were rude, strange and felt foreign to me in some way. We focus completely on ourselves in America, no one else matters, it's an undeniable part of our culture.

I know I am wholly guilty of this but I'd like to think I've changed in some small way.

The people I've met in Japan, both foreign and Japanese, allowed me to look at myself in a new way. I feel like an adult, like I was able to take hold of who I am, take ownership of my own actions and thoughts. I suppose it comes with have an untethered past, at least to these folks. All they know is myself at its current incarnation. I felt loved and interesting and happy. It was a validation I think all people need at some point. I was honest and open, I sought real connections with people and my experience was overwhelmingly positive and beautiful.

I feel like I am at a funeral. There is a coldness and a sadness in me I just can't shake. An undirected anger I can't focus. And a dull anxiety poisoning my thoughts.

But in the end, if I've learned anything in Japan, a positive mind is a powerful thing. And although I'll allow myself a little time to grieve the death of my Japanese life, I am ultimately looking forward to the future.