Like Death

Leaving Japan is extremely hard for me. Saying goodbye to the people I love, people I've only known for a year, but I grew closer to them than I care to admit. I find myself angry, sad, excited and numb. It seems like I'm moving between these emotions in short intervals. Standing in line at the Northwest Airlines counter, I felt my face get hot as the blood rushed around in anger. The people in line, the americans, were rude, strange and felt foreign to me in some way. We focus completely on ourselves in America, no one else matters, it's an undeniable part of our culture.

I know I am wholly guilty of this but I'd like to think I've changed in some small way.

The people I've met in Japan, both foreign and Japanese, allowed me to look at myself in a new way. I feel like an adult, like I was able to take hold of who I am, take ownership of my own actions and thoughts. I suppose it comes with have an untethered past, at least to these folks. All they know is myself at its current incarnation. I felt loved and interesting and happy. It was a validation I think all people need at some point. I was honest and open, I sought real connections with people and my experience was overwhelmingly positive and beautiful.

I feel like I am at a funeral. There is a coldness and a sadness in me I just can't shake. An undirected anger I can't focus. And a dull anxiety poisoning my thoughts.

But in the end, if I've learned anything in Japan, a positive mind is a powerful thing. And although I'll allow myself a little time to grieve the death of my Japanese life, I am ultimately looking forward to the future.